Crow’s-Feet Chronicles: Composition caper
By Cindy Baker Burnett
Mar 13, 2017
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Spell Check and conscientious proofreaders rob us of hearty, healthy laughter. When reading a letter in the Customer Relations Department of the airlines from which I retired, I found mild humor in the complaint that the flight arrived late and caused the couple to miss the bride and groom repeating their “vowels.”   But, I burst into guffaws with another letter that said, “The flight was canceled and left our entire family strangled in Chicago.” 

Your daily newspaper ads can easily trigger giggles, too. Read on . . .  

*Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

*Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

*A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

*Dinner Special – Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

*For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

*Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

*Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

*Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

*We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

*No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

*For Sale---Three canaries of undermined sex.

*For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

*Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, and quiche.

 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

*Great Dames for sale.

*Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

*Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

*Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

*Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated.

*If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de La Fontaine, and Chopin.

*Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

*The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

*Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

*Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.   Stock up and save. Limit: One.

*We build bodies that last a lifetime.

*For Sale---Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

*For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

*Nice parachute never opened. Used once, slightly stained.

*Man, honest. Will take anything.

*Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in. $200 a month. References.

*Nordic Track $300, hardly used. Call Chubby.

*And now, the Superstore---unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience. 

I was a Tickle Me Cindy doll when I read John Q. Public’s letters to the airlines before I retired. The gentleman’s email stated, “My seat was at the back of the plane near the lavatory. The stench from the broken toilet on the 4-hour flight was nauseating.” I didn’t find any humor in his email until I looked at the return address and saw the city where he lived. 

Flushing, New York.