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The Crow's-Feet Chronicles: GQ and COSMO we aren't
By Cindy Baker Burnett
May 21, 2018
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Lanny Joe and I were born too early for the latest fashion fads.   On second thought, I'm not sure we'd have ever fit in with fishhooks, strangling undergarments, or peacock coiffures.

I'm trying to picture myself with a nose ring . . . and bifocals.  Ick.  But then, I'm not sure Lanny's hair would stay spiked underneath a Resistol hat. 

Lucky for me, tattoos weren't popular in the 60's.  How cool would it be for me to be wearing "lifeguards rule" at my age?  (Even if I were discreet, I'd hate to have to explain it to my doctor.)  And, Johnny Mack Brown would have gagged to see "I love my horse" on Lanny Joe's biceps.  (Or it is, "I heart my horse"?)

I'm glad Lanny doesn't wear an earring because I'm afraid it would be engraved with something like, "FFA State Farmer."  He might have to answer to the blue corduroy Allah for desecrating a sacred symbol. 

Ankle bracelets today are so cute and dainty.  But, how glamorous could I be if I drew attention to my corn pads?  Ugh.  If that isn't nauseating enough, picture Lanny with a groove cut in his lower dentures to accommodate the diamond stud in his pierced tongue.  Ouch.

Something tells me that Lanny Joe's Rios of Mercedes boots wouldn't be attractive with clam diggers.   (He says those pants look like they've been cut off three times . . . and are still too short.)  It's a visual that makes me think of Mr. Spock on "Star Trek".  Likewise, my support hose wouldn't accessorize a mini skirt very well.

I would definitely discourage Lanny from leaving his disco shirt unbuttoned, revealing his heart monitor nestled in a bed of gray chest hair.  Some things are sacred, after all.  By the same token, I'm not sure a belly button ring would enhance my surgical scar.

Don't worry---I've never worn a thong, so I'm not concerned about how one might look someday with a pair of Depends.  For that matter, Lanny Joe's tight Wrangler jeans would look silly with a pair of Dr. Scholl's corrective shoes.

If Lanny Joe ever leaves the house wearing a Speedo, we’ll need to warn folks in a 50-mile radius.  Likewise, I never intend to team up my liver spots with a bikini, even if I was teaching World Geography.  That might create more nausea than the latest restaurant reviews.

While I don't mind disguising my varicose veins as a road map and attending the costume party, I resent the guests assuming I'm a Walter Matthau impersonator.  Geez.    Lanny Joe would be just as offended if his Wyatt Earp moustache prompted questions about how many Israelites survived the parting of the Sea.

Sigh.  I guess Lanny Joe and I should gracefully ease into our golden years with as much elastic, Ben Gay, and fiber as we can comfortably stand.  Is there anything more challenging than staying up with the fashions?

Yes---Staying up late.