Crow's-Feet Chronicles: Holy cow! We’re lost!
By Cindy Baker Burnett
Jul 9, 2018
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An obstetrician once made the observation that male babies take longer to deliver. This bears out an old theory I have long held that, even at birth, men are reluctant to ask directions anywhere.

One study showed that men drive an extra 276 miles per year because they won’t ask directions. And, 41 percent of men admitted to telling their passengers that they knew where they were going…even though they didn’t. On the flip side, three quarters of the women polled have absolutely no qualms about asking for directions.

I can always tell when Lanny is lost. At a crossroad he will take out a coin and mumble, “Heads right, tails left.” Or he will snap on the car radio and say to the grand kids in the back, “Listen and help me figure out where this station is originating from.” The way I figure it is it’s a simple attack on male superiority.

“Are we lost?” I inquire, as we were trying to find our rental house at Beavers Bend State Park in Oklahoma.

“Certainly not,” he says, “Why do you ask?”

“Because we are in a field of timothy and a cow is nibbling away on the rubber bumper protector.”

“Give me the road map.”

“Are you going to accuse me of moving Red River again?”

“Of course not. Ha! Those fools obviously just let Hwy. 259 dangle out here in a cornfield. If you can’t trust Triple A, I always say, who can you trust?”

“Here comes a farmer. Why don’t you ask directions?”

“Because I’m not lost. All I do is go back to where that hound dog was asleep in the road, pick up 70, and that will take us right to the Beavers Bend road.”

“We’ve passed that hound dog so often now he thinks we’re family.”

“Look, don’t worry about driving the car. You just keep snacks flowing, see to it that Brock doesn’t bleed all over the seat, Blair doesn’t get sick again and Bo doesn’t fall out of the car fighting over who sits next to the window. And, entertain them with a fun game. In other words, sit back and enjoy yourself.”

“We’ve been driving for hours. Why don’t we stop and ask directions at a service station?”

“Because I’m not lost.”

“Why are you so stubborn? What would happen if you stopped and asked directions? Would your mustache fall off? Would your voice become high-pitched? You don’t need a wife and grandkids with you. You need Lowell Thomas and a Boy Scout patrol.”

“Will you stop acting like a fishwife and settle the grand kids? One of them has his wet nose on the back of my neck.”

“It isn’t a grand kid. It’s a lost cow.”