Crow's-Feet Chronicles: It's all about side effects
By Cindy Baker Burnett
Aug 6, 2018
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Kissing is supposed to be safe, but there are side effects. Unless you're kissing a vampire, the worst that's gonna happen is the awkward I-have-to-breathe-but-I-don't-wanna-pull-away feeling...right? Wrong. Apparently kissing can make you go deaf. That's right: a smooch can kill your hearing, and one Chinese woman recently suffered just this fate. Luckily, she'll be able to hear again in a couple of months; but for now, her boyfriend's apologies will fall on deaf ears… so to speak.

According to the woman's doctor, “the kiss reduced the pressure in the mouth, pulled the eardrum out and caused the breakdown of the ear.” That's one passionate smacker! Physicians in China have warned people to “proceed with caution.”

It's all about possible side effects. Here's the great thing about drug ads: no matter whether the TV commercial is outstanding, mystifying or just plain silly, it's virtually guaranteed to get your attention in the last few seconds. I'm talking, of course, about the obligatory warnings. For starters, if you're watching some of these television ads with friends, you can immediately start playing a game of, “Is it humanly possible to talk as fast as the person who is spouting off these side effects?” If you can keep up with the fast-talking narrator of the commercial for the sleeping pill Ambien, which could cause sleep walking or even sleep eating, consider a career change to auctioneer.

If I have restless leg syndrome and I want to cure it, I would be worried about the prescription drug giving me the urge to gamble. How does this happen? Will I wake up in the morning, well rested, and inexplicably drive to the nearest casino and start dropping quarters into slot machines like I can't stop myself? Maybe I should start saving my grocery money.

Drug companies operate on the head fake theory of medical treatment. If they can make some other body part, system, or region infinitely worse, you'll completely forget about why you took the pill. Strange side effects of prescription drugs could possibly include “pregnancy could result in children born with Golden Retriever faces, hair growth on soles of feet, obnoxious slogans forming on arm and face, skin failure, sissyness, full dilation of the right pupil, fear of clowns, heart reversal, beer bulimia (Since Newcastle Nut Brown Ale can cause skin irritation, it's better to stick with Dutch Pilsner), or fingernail to talon syndrome.” If you have questions, ask your doctor. Just make sure he's a real doctor. You can generally tell by the white coat. If you have a white coat, YOU might be a doctor.

Maybe it's a side-effects-to-accidents legacy. My great-great-great-great grandfather Cletus Gargoyle bonked his head on the plow handle. His family might have expected the usual side effects from his head injury, such as his IQ dropping a bit, drooling, or walking funny. Not Cletus.

He started dressing as a woman.