Columnists
Crow's-Feet Chronicles: Death by debit
By Cindy Baker Burnett
Dec 24, 2018
Print this page
Email this article

Online Christmas shopping is more addictive than crack cocaine, which can, by the way, be purchased for $188.98 for a solid rock of crack cocaine available in four Easy-Pay installments of just $47.25 per month.

Getting hooked on online shopping isn’t something you plan, of course.  It’s just that you can only browse Pinterest for so long before you realize that you can avoid the malls and click “Add to Shopping Cart.”  And what to your bloodshot eyes should appear but PayPal, to make it even easier.

I found myself staring open-mouthed at the lozenge-cut amethyst bracelet that Pinterest described as having “a lot more oomph and guts than your average amethyst bracelet.”  Does the average woman demand a lot of guts and oomph from her bracelets?  What does it mean?  Who knows?  Who cares?  Where’s my debit card?

I was also attracted to Rochas perfume because “way back in the time of Cleopatra, people were into camouflaging one bad smell with a good one.”  But back then, you had chickens sitting around the kitchen for three days!  Too bad Cleopatra didn’t have a bracelet with the guts to go out there and do something about that smelly chicken.

Do you see a pattern here?  You’re right---instead of purchasing Christmas gifts, I began buying for me.  Before I could stop myself, I had ordered the Diamonique pocketbook pendant watch with the 122 hand-cut Austrian crystals.  Pinterest convinced me that the matching earrings and necklace would “prove to others that you are making a strong statement that you are a person who enjoys accessorizing.”  Lord, save me from myself! 

I used to think strong statements should be reserved for deeply philosophical and ideological convictions.  But does it really matter that much where I stand on the moral and social questions of our day?  How do I feel about capital punishment?  Who cares?  I’m a person who enjoys accessorizing.  Bite my filigree Diamonique.

As I have combed through Pinterest, I have become numb and number.  All those designer scarves, all those thunderbird motif Southwestern-designed feathertone pseudosilver pendants, all those crocheted boot toppers, and all the moto wool jackets are pretty much wasted on this grandmother.  Pinterest has forced me into wrongfully wearing leggings with my Uggs, horizontal stripes with my slight weight gain, and strategic holes in my denim jeans. 

Pinterest can sell me a tenpenny nail by describing it as “just so elongated and elegant in a silvery-toned way that is just so incredibly versatile and statement-making with its round, orb-like top and its very sharp and angular bottom.” 

Because I used valuable time selfishly ordering goodies for myself, I have run out of time for Christmas-delivery, online shopping.

Time is not the only thing that’s gone.

cindybaker@cableone.net